Kindergarten and booster seats

What a week. In four days I feel like time has aged me a year or more and my kids became older in a blink. Havely became a big Kindergartner this week. On Monday, wait rewind, on Sunday night the kinder clouds rolled in and the tension turned high. I was trying to prepare her for the week and becoming a school kid, and she of course was finding ways to talk me out of it. We picked out an outfit, snuggled, and read "The Kissing Hand", and as I read about little Chester being brave and going to school, my eyes stung with hot tears that I quickly wiped away. I tucked her in, and told her how exciting the next morning would be, turned on the noise and walked out of the room. I then headed down the stairs and grabbed the nearest phone for mom support. She comforted me, just as she had always done and then told me it was going to go great, Havely is going to love school. I went to bed that night with anxiety and awoke at 4 am, going through my mental checklist making sure everything was going to be perfect. At 5 I finally got out of bed to begin the execution of my list. First get me ready, it's the first day of school, I have to look good walking her up there right? Next go wake up the big school girl, OK this is where things started to go south. I snuggled up to her and said, "good morning my little kindergartner" and she immediately started crying. She told me to go away she needed more sleep, then she sternly stated that she was not going to kinder and that was that. I helped her feet to the floor, directed her to the sink, brushed her teeth for her, and got her dressed, all while she cried and pleaded with me to not go to school. I got her downstairs and attempted to do her hair perfectly to match the outfit that I carefully picked out the night before. We made her favorite breakfast and then I gave it my best shot to take some first day of school photos. She fought me every step of the way. Then we began the walk up to the school, and half way there Havely starts dragging her feet and of course I get worried that we are going to be late, and not on the first day! I asked her if she wanted me to push Grant and her dad could carry her. She simply stated, "no mom, I want you to go get the car!" Jaaron scooped her up and carried her to the corner of the school grounds, walking up the hill, she turned to us and said, "I think my batteries are running out." This kid cracks me up! We headed into the school and as we walked through the halls, I felt her hand tighten on mine. This is when mom's heart starts to hurt. I knew she was truly scared. We got to the class and it was time for us to say goodbye, and she panicked. She was in a place that she hadn't really been before with complete strangers, and we were about to turn and walk away. I assured her that she would be okay and gave the tightest hug I could. I kissed her hand and told her to hold onto it tightly, and I would be with her all day. We left and I just felt empty. I didn't cry, I just felt lost. We had breakfast and I just hung around the house waiting for the clock to turn to 2:20 so I could head back to the school and pick her up. I was anxious and excited and ready to reclaim my child. We waited in line and they brought them out and she ran and jumped into Jaaron's arms. I couldn't wait to hear all about her first day. We got in the car and I started asking questions and she just shut me down at each one, then told me she really didn't want to talk. We came home and she headed upstairs to play, and she just wanted to be alone for a while. I was at a loss, I just wanted her to blab to me all about every detail, and she just wanted to decompress from the day. The rest of the week was pretty much the same daily routine, and I was really getting worried that she was going to just hate school. I was trying to keep a positive attitude and show my happy face the entire week, but it was starting to break me down. On Wednesday I came home later than usual and found that Jaaron had fed Grant at the table and he did great. He was happy and told me about how Grant is ready for his own seat at the table and that we were done with the highchair. It was at this moment that I lost it. I suddenly knew why the black cloud was following me all week. My babies were growing up and I did not like it. I couldn't believe we were at the point of having a kid in school and another that was becoming so independent. I know that this is a common theme in my blog, but I really just feel like I have blinked and weeks go by. In the moment it feels like you are just living, but when you look back it happened so fast. I am happy that my kids are doing so well and becoming these little people that can do so much, but I just wish I could sometimes just cuddle and love on them or revisit times in their lives. I am glad that I started this blog, it will give me something to always look back on, and something that my kids can read and smile about. Ferris Bueller said it perfectly: Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. 08.26.11

Time moves in one direction, memory in another.

Two weeks and my little girl starts kindergarten. I have muttered the words, "where did the time go?" and "how did this happen?" way too much over the past few months. The day we registered her for Kinder, I walked out of the elementary school hand in hand with my husband and my eyes filled with tears. I cannot believe she is old enough to go in there daily and sit in those dwarf size chairs and walk down the hall and learn from a complete stranger. Am I supposed to trust these people, are they going to make sure she is safe? Is she going to like school? Is she going to make friends or be the kid who does her own thing? So many unknowns. Every adventure and new chapter in life has too many unknowns, but somehow we make it through. I became a mom in a moment and it changed my life completely, and there were trying times and so many wonderful memories, but each day we get one day older and that all adds up, quickly. All we have are the memories and the way we handled each day. Havely has been the most wonderful daughter any mother could ask for, and I get to be her mom. She has made my heart swell since day one, and she has entertained all of us for years now. I love her personality and I see so much of myself in her. I know she is confident and independent, and I will have to remind myself that this is what I do love about her when she is pushing that self determination against me. I have put some photos of her on here, her transition from baby girl to little girl to school girl. It is ironic that lately she has been carrying this small silver clock around that she found in a cabinet in my bedroom. She takes it everywhere with her and tells me it is a magic clock and it turns colors and can take us to anywhere in time. She always tells me that she is going to dates in the future, and all I want to do it grab it and turn it back a few years and make it slow down. Love you Havely, you will do great in school! 08.11.11