Clark Howard is a D-Bag

No sunshine and roses tonight. I am tired. My son has woke up every three hours tonight. It is hot as hell in this house and sticky humid. I am hot. And I have some jackass telling me how to retire early and what I need to do with my money. Headline news is the only channel in the middle of the night that does not play infomercials all during the hours when normal people are sleeping. Most of the time I listen to Nancy Grace yell about someone who needs to be dragged into the depths of hell, mildly entertaining, some Jane lady that looks like a dude yell at people she talks to via satellite, ok I hate this lady too, or Joy Behar who I rather enjoy. But this morning it is Saturday and they have on Clark Howard. He is telling some caller that they need to save save save and then later in life they will be able to sit around the table and count their coins. Really?? To me this concept has never been my motto, in fact I hate this motto. I have watched people in my family live this motto and I even had an uncle save save save for retirement and live very frugally only to drop dead while running memorial weekend two years ago. All that money was in an account and had never been touched. No vacations really, never remodeled their home, never really got a new car even. He finally broke down and bought a brand new truck a month before and got to drive it a whole 100 miles before he died. So I guess I am asking what is the point of not enjoying life as you go??? I am not talking about living irresponsibly so that you need constant bail outs and you are in debt up to your eyeballs, but just taking vacations when you can afford them, driving a nice car that you enjoy, and making your home look the way you like so that you come home everyday and smile that this is YOUR place. So I am sure there are people who will read this and think I am not the brightest for living my life like this, maybe you think you have it all figured out by saving consistently for that rainy day. I have my rainy day savings, but I also will be out playing in the sunshine. Take that Clark Howard-oh and ps-you look like a giant rodent, kinda possum like. 05.22.10

And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.

I went back to work two weeks ago, and I am glad to be back among adults and doing what I love, but trying to work out a balance with work and home has been tough. I am burning the candle at both ends, and apparently this week they met. Getting up at 3 am for feedings and then trying to get out of bed at 5 again is like waking the dead. By the time the evening hours roll around I am on total auto pilot. On Thursday it really started to become apparent just how much I needed some rest when I brushed my teeth with a healthy dollop of Oil of Olay in the morning, later that day while talking to my sister on the phone when the conversation ended instead of hanging up the phone I just reached out and turned the key on my car and turned it off and just sat there for a moment before realizing what I had done. Later that evening I was unloading the dishwasher and while sorting out the silverware caught myself putting the stuff from the drawer into the dishwasher caddy. At this point I was just overwhelmed and called my mom to make sure I wasn't going totally crazy. Finally everything was done for the night and I went in to take a bath and just try to wash my mind clean of the day. Earlier I had gotten a call from the new Unitron rep (Ali's old job) and turns out they gave her the same phone number (thanks to whoever decided that was a good idea), and so my phone rings and I look and it says that Alison is calling me. It hit me hard and I had to try to compose myself just to get through the workday. Well with all of today's and this weeks events, I just let go and cried myself to sleep. Friday morning I woke up to a wonderful Texas rainstorm and it felt rejuvenating. I love the rain here, the sky lights up, the thunder is loud enough to shake the house and the rain drops are so large you can hear them smack the ground when they hit, it is almost hypnotic. So I decided to take on Friday and turn this week around. I had a wonderful day at work and then got done early and was able to come home for an hour and regroup. Picked up the kids and did the nightly routine. But when I was putting Havely to bed, I leaned over for my kiss and she took out her pa and said, "mom, let's just talk for a minute." I said ok let's do that. She told me stories all about her animals and told me how much she loved to play. She told me all about the pies and cakes she has been making outside for everyone's birthday (mud pies are the best). I sat and listened and watched the amazing excitement on her face and new this was my reward for making it through the week. After a long conversation with my now very sleepy little girl, she finally fell asleep. I came downstairs and did the same. At 3 am as usual I am up with the boy and get him fed and then he just won't settle down. So I put him out on my lap and he just starts babbling and smiling at me, again my rainbow at the end of the storm. So I sat with him for a while and cooed and smiled and giggled until he too began to drift off in my arms. So now it is almost 4:30 am, and yes I am blogging again (I do my best work at night) because I don't want to miss the freshness of this moment. Having a family is hard work, and being a mom with a career is tough, but there are so many rainbows that outshine the rain that make it all worthwhile...
05.15.10

Wind Chimes and Baby Breath

It's 3 am and my last week of maternity leave. I should be sleeping, but I don't want to forget my moment tonight, so I am writing at 3 am...

Grant woke up at 1:30 and I lay in bed for a bit wondering if he was going to fall back asleep. Then I just smiled when I heard him making his ooooo noise. This is the noise he makes right now when he is happy. I love it. I go over to get him and he sees me and gives me the gummy grin and makes another oooo noise.

The feeding doesn't go so well, lots of spit up. He pukes all over me and himself, I have to change both of us, but while I am changing him he starts his oooo noise again and then giggles while I am trying to get his arms in and out of the sleeves. He can turn me from frustration to melting my heart in a matter of seconds and he is good at it too, watch out ladies this little guy is going to break some hearts.

Finally after two bottles he is full and relaxed and I bring him up close and put him on my shoulder to burp. The house is quite and dimly lit. The wind is blowing slightly outside and I can hear my wind chimes making their rhythmic melody. I can hear his little breaths coming out and I can feel them on my cheek. I love this moment. I want it to last forever. I could sit here all night and just take this all in.

I sat there for almost an hour holding him and thinking about the time that I have gotten to spend with him, just our time at night. I know he will start sleeping through the night and I will be thankful for that, but right now I am thankful that I have these moments. Soon enough he will be too antsy to let me just hold him and feel his breath on my cheek. So I have to write about it when it is fresh in my mind so I can re-visit this anytime I want and get just a small sample of this moment back and he will know how much the small things mean to me. 04.30.10

Who hit the Fast Forward button???

One week left, how is that even possible? I went on maternity leave the last week in January and I was looking forward to enjoying every second of the next three months. Here I sit with one week left and I feel like I blinked and the entire thing just vanished...

Grant has grown so fast and is a very good baby. At our last checkup (two month) he weighed 13 lbs. and was 22 inches long. This kid does not miss a meal, believe me I feel like I am constantly feeding him!!! The pediatrician is amazed that he can already hold his head up on his own and is already trying to sit up on his own, in fact he hates to lay flat with you and pulls himself to a sitting position all the time. I think he is the cutest little boy I have ever seen and he is smiling and talking and making my heart melt everyday. I can't believe how fast he is growing. I can't believe he is 3 months old today...

Ok now onto the real time flying. Havely turned 4 this weekend, FOUR!!! We made this birthday one to remember since life with a new baby has been a little hard on her. We rented a bounce house and a cotton candy machine, loaded the kitchen with food and filled the patio with family and friends. On her cake all she wanted was a "giant four", no pink, no girlie stuff, so they put a little number 4 with pink and purple icing and a freakin tiara on it, well done HEB bakery. The party itself was amazing though and all the kids went home loaded with sugar to the max and exhausted from hours of bouncing. After the sun went down I lay with Havely in the bouncer and looked at the stars and told her I couldn't believe how fast she had grown. She gave me a giant hug and told me "mom today was a great day." I just hugged her back and held back the tears, because I know that time is just going to continue to go faster and my kids are going to grow way to quickly. I chose to freeze this moment for me to look back at and remember a little four year old with curly cue pigtails that had one of the best days ever and I got to share it with her.

We had professional photos taken on March 19, and I would like to share some of them with you and also a picture or two from Havely's party. It's late and I should be headed to bed, but I don't want to because tomorrow they are just another day older and I am one more day closer to not being able to stay home with them during the week and just watch in amazement as they grow. I really love this mom thing. 04.26.10

You are my Sonshine...

January 26, 2010

4:00 am: Wide awake, staring up at the ceiling looking at the time, today is the day that I will add an addition to my family. Today is the day I will have a son, a little boy, just thinking it sounds so weird to me.

4:15 am: Get out of bed finally. Takes me about 3 minutes just to be able to stand up. This pregnancy is brutal, my hips and back hurt so bad that I feel as if I am about 80 and have arthritis as bad as at gets, nope just really preggo and ready to have my body back.

4:30 am: Hot shower, relaxing and still a race is running in my mind. Do I have everything I need for the hospital? Is everything ready for the baby to come home? How will Havely do without me for two days? How will Havely react to having her baby brother home? When is the last time I scrubbed this tile in here?

5:15 am: Angela shows up and is pretty awake for this early in the AM. She is going to spend the morning with Havely and then take her to daycare so that Havely can have somewhat of a normal day. Now I am getting nervous, it is time to go, time to do this. I say goodbye to the dogs, make my husband change his shirt (there will be pictures today, one of us has to look decent), and go upstairs for one last moment with Havely. She is upside down in her bed as usual, I turn her back around, kiss her on the forehead and then head downstairs. The next time I come home I will be a mom of two.

The ride to the hospital is good, it is cold and raining today. Traffic is very light, and Jaaron and I talk about different things as we go down the highway, and discuss how excited we are to be parents to another child. We arrive at the hospital, and gather our belongings and check in. I sign all the paperwork and we are off to check into room 17. We are greeted by my nurse Kathi, who had one of the most welcoming smiles and personalities, I just knew today was going to be a good day.

6:30 am: IV is in and was done in one shot, with Havely I had many many problems with this and ended up with two horribly bruised forearms to hold a baby in, OUCH! So I was very happy that this went well, one thing down. Pitocin was started and the contractions came with it. The first hour was not too bad, they were coming every 4 minutes but it was nothing I couldn't handle, I was even able to keep up with the conversation.

7:00 am: Jessica arrived and was ready for the day. She even brought a bag full of snacks for the team and some activity books. She was ready to be here for the long run. Contractions were getting a bit worse by this time, but I was still doing pretty well.

8:00 am: Dr. Feinstein enters the room and is ready to get things progressing. I am only dilated to 3 cm. She takes a small hook and breaks my water. This is when things really get going. Contractions get worse and more frequent. I am trying my best to hold out and get through them, but by 9 am, I have decided that it is time to throw in the towel and get the epidural.

9:15 am: Where in the hell is the anesthesiologist? These suckers are brutal and I am ready to kill my husband for doing this to me. Good god how do women do this naturally? They must be crazy or already self medicated. Dr. Rhodes enters the room and I think he is surrounded by an aura of light, he is here to end my suffering, my knight in shining armour!

9:20 am: Epidural is in-this doc is not kidding around. He is quick like lightening and very good. In one swift move he puts in more meds and my legs go numb, ahh tree trunks and no pain. This feeling is so strange, I cannot feel anything from my sternum south, but the contractions are not blinding me anymore and that makes me one happy girl.

I cannot really give you much of a timeline right now, this is where things began to get a bit fuzzy. I could not maintain my temperature and kept shaking uncontrollably. I was layered in warm blankets but yet still shivering. I also felt like I was off in space a bit, just not myself really. Then the baby's heart rate would drop with each contraction. They told me that the cord was probably stretching when there were contractions so they needed to put me on some oxygen so that we could make sure he was getting all he could. This freaked me out a bit because I knew the cord was around his neck. Havely's was as well, and she is fine so I am trying to focus on the fact that they know what they are doing and if he was in danger they would make the best decision.

11:55 am: Dr. Feinstein is back to check on me. I am dilated to about 6 cm, but the baby is at zero position, so she wants the nurse to have me do a test push. She is off to check on her pre-op and will check in with me before she goes into surgery. Either this baby is coming now, or I have to wait about two hours.

12:00 pm: Kathi waits for a contraction and tells me to push. A count of ten and she tells me to stop. She announces that this baby is ready and calls the doc back up. It is time, I am going to have my baby soon, be able to see him and hold him. Jessica calls Angela to let her know what is going on, but Ang is stuck in traffic and is trying to get to the hospital as fast as she can.

12:10 pm: We are ready to go, doc is in place, nurse is ready, Jaaron is ready and Jess is a go. Wait for a contraction and GO!!! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,...STOP. He is out. I can see him. The cord is wrapped around his neck, the doctor gets her fingers in there immediately and has Jaaron cut the cord. She then pulls him the rest of the way out and puts him up for me to see. He is perfect. So perfect.

Grant Robert Thomas was born at 12:15 pm on Tuesday January 26, 2010. He weighed 5 lbs., 12 oz, and was 19 1/2 inches long. At this moment I feel in love with a boy so deeply and more than I ever thought I could. He has me mesmerized by every move he makes. My heart sings with happiness just looking at him.

8:00 pm: Mindi arrives at the hospital with Havely. My son and my daughter get to meet each other for the first time. This is priceless, this is my moment. I watch her watch him and hold him and I see a change in her face. She is a big sister now and she will be one of the best. She is in love with a boy also and I know that my kids will share a bond so great and I can't wait to watch them interact in life. Yup this is all mushy gushy love stuff, but when you are a mom and have wonderful kids you will understand the mushy gushy stuff is the best. As a mom life little moments are just as important as the big ones, and I plan to cherish every bit of them.

While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.

It's all in the cards...

So the other night for our bachelorette dinner I took Havely to Sonic, yes I know I'm a great mom, anyway with her "wacky pack" she got these lame playing cards. All of them say 7 ate 9 on them and then have a number 1-10 on the other side, lame and boring. So these basically are going to end up in the trash and soon. Well here it is two nights later and the cards are littering my coffee table and I plan on throwing them away tonight, the clutter is killing me. Well Havely just saved their lame little lives. She is playing restaurant and just brought me a "rootbeer" and then turned around and grabbed one of the cards off the table, she then says wow this one says that you get one hug. She climbs up on the couch and puts her little arms around my neck and squeezes me with all she's got. She then gets down grabs another card and says this one says you get a big kiss, and again climbs onto the couch and give me a smooch. I think I'll keep these cards. Maybe later when she is a teenager and too cool to show affection for mom, I will break out the lame little cards and say hey this one says I get a hug and what do you know, this one is worth a kiss! She is growing so fast and in about two weeks we will be adding another family member when my son is born. It's these moments that I chose to remember, the little ones, even if it came in the form of a cheap pack of cards from a fast food joint. 01.07.10

Healing Weekend

This weekend was for repair of the heart and the opening of new doors. Saturday I went with Angela to Lockhart, TX to bury Alison's ashes at a small country cemetery, and then went to her parents farm to plant a tree and spread the rest of her ashes. Seeing the box of her ashes was much harder for my heart than I had anticipated. As I stared blankly at the box, I just could not understand how my friend that I love so deeply could be neatly packed into such a small container. It made my heart heavy and ache so badly. At the ranch we all took a shovel full of soil and helped plant a live oak tree in her memory. Each person shared a memory of Ali and talked about how she had such a special place in their lives. This woman was just amazing to have touched so many people so deeply! Her father told a very touching story about the dragonfly:

The Dragonfly Story

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "one of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return...

"That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.

No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea". "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."

"We promise", they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings...The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

The dragonfly remembered the promise: "the next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.......

I found this story very fitting and it just stuck with me. After the tree planting we went and spread the remaining ashes by the pond on the farm, a place that Ali loved to sit, relax, and read. Then we enjoyed each other's company over some delicious food at the house. It was good to hear everyone's memories and to plant some life that will carry on her memory. I know this was a small step toward mending my heart, day by day it will get better, but I will never ever forget! 11.14.09